Lucky season seven
by Phantom of the Auditorium
Summary: You've seen the trailer! Now read the spoof! CONTAINS SEASON SEVEN SPOILERS!


24 Lucky season seven

_This is a completely fictional story. 20__th__ century fox, imagine productions and their associated companies own all the characters, ideas and stuff from 24. I'm just a fan trying to have a little fun so please don't take it personally and please don't sue or send Jack Bauer after me._

**WRITERS BOARDROOM, TIME TBC**

It's Monday Morning at 24 headquarters and the writers are sitting down to think up another episode. They're even in a good mood this morning.

Writer number 1 (Steve): Hey guys. Good news. We got great feedback on the trailer. Everybody's looking forward to Day 7 now!

Writer number 2 (Pete): Well that's a relief.

Writer number 3 (Zach): Yeah. Maybe then our audience won't run away to NBC and watch Heroes!

PETE: (Gasps) You…You said the H word!

ZACH: You mean Heroes!

PETE: Arggh! You said it again! Didn't you read the FOX rules!?

ZACH: What rules?

PETE: Well rule number 453 of FOX is it if anyone mutters the H word they are stoned to death!

ZACH: What! That's a bit harsh!

Two security guards turn up and drag Zach away.

ZACH: What! You can't do this! NOOO! NOO!

STEVE: Well I guess it's down to you and me, Pete.

PETE: But what happens when the audience find out the truth?

STEVE: What do you mean? This season is rocking so far! Tony's back! CTU's gone and not everyone has noticed we completely ripped off the Die Hard Franchise!

AUDIENCE: Yes we have!

STEVE: Dammit! Oh well, roll the season premiere…

**KIEFER: The following takes place between 9am and 10am unless of course my watch is running slow in which case it might be a bit off.**

**COURTROOM, 0900 HRS**

NARRATOR: So we begin our journey in a courtroom which is probably where Kiefer will be spending most of time in on and off set.

KIEFER: Shut up!

NARRATOR: Well try not drink driving next time! Sheesh! So Jack's on trial and this seems very similar to another of Kiefer's films.

Jack Nicholson walks in.

NICHOLSON: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

NARRATOR: No Jack we don't need you this time.

Jack Nicholson walks out sulking.

NARRATOR: Alright on with the show!

Senator erm…I dunno…Bob or something is acting as Judge at this hearing.

SENATOR: Will the witness please state his name.

JACK: Jack Bauer.

SENATOR: Mr. Bauer, I'll keep this short so you can go off killing terrorists. So I have one question for you. Are you a complete psychopath?

JACK: Yes.

SENATOR: OK. Case closed!

**WRITERS BOARDROOM, TIME TBC**

PETE: What! That's it! In the trailer you hyped it up to be like a big part of the show and that's it!

STEVE: Well you know the rules. No trial on 24 can be more than an hour and no one wants Jack Bauer doing nothing for a whole hour like last season so I'm advancing the plot.

PETE: But c'mon. That's barely ten seconds.

STEVE: Alright. I'll show you the long cut.

**COURTROOM, 0900 HRS**

The courtroom scene plays again.

SENATOR: Mr Bauer, did you torture another Muslim because that really doesn't go down well with our Islamic audience.

JACK: Errm…well…I didn't not do that thing you mentioned which I did…didn't do.

SENATOR: What!

JACK: The important thing to remember is I had great hair when I did it!

SENATOR: MR BAUER! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JACK: I'm talking complete rubbish that's what you politicians usually do, isn't it?

SENATOR: Oh hell. There's only one man who can sort a mess like this out!

In a TV Studio a crowd being chanting.

CROWD: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry Springer enters

JERRY: Alright. Today we're talking about "My brother's a terrorist".

JACK: That was last season dammit!

JERRY: Oh sorry. I meant "I tortured a man who may or may not have been a terrorist." And today we have Mr. Hadard who was tortured by Jack Bauer but claims he is innocent. So Mr Hadard, I just have one question for you. Have you got a stupid name?

HADARD: How dare you insult my Islamic routes! I'll kill you ya BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.

JERRY: You can't say that on this show. That's not nearly enough swearing. Anyway over here we have Jack Bauer who tortured Mr. Hadard. So Jack, why did you do it?

JACK: Are you interrogating me?

JERRY: No, I'm just asking a question.

JACK: How dare you. You have no right to do this to me you BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.

JERRY: Oh I see Bauer. You want some.

JACK: C'mon then. Let's go.

Jack gets off his seat and starts attacking Springer. Jerry hits one punch and knocks Jack out cold on the floor.

JERRY: And now for my final thought…if you are a federal agent don't BLEEP with Springer! Got that Bauer!

Jack bites Jerry on the neck.

JACK: Ummm….Blood!

Van Helsing walks in.

VAN HELSING: Dracula! You're still alive!

JACK: Argghh! He's got a stake.

Jack turns into a bat and flies off.

PETE: On second thought keep it how it is!

NARRATOR: So Jack left the courtroom and everyone stood in appreciation…no…wait that was _To Kill a Mockingbird. _Anywho there was some crazy woman outside waiting for Jack. She was from some agency …Fries and Burger Investigation Unit or something.

WOMAN: Hello Jack.

JACK: Who are you? How did you know my name? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY DAUGHTER!? WHERE'S MY FAMILY!?

WOMAN: Jeez Jack. What's left of your family is fine. I'm Agent Renee Walker from the FBI.

JACK: FBI?

Jack has a flashback and remembers the last time he encountered the FBI. Then he pushes the woman over and makes a run for it.

RENEE: Damn! I knew I should have brought that leash!

Jack keeps running but gets stopped in his tracks by another random FBI extra.

JACK: I didn't try and kill the Senator! My wife and daughter were kidnapped! I saved him!

RENEE: Relax Jack we just need your help.

JACK: Oh I see. We just need your help. I suppose for a couple of hours. Then it turns into 24 hours and don't eat, sleep, drink and have to have my forth kidney replacement for not going to the toilet for a whole day!

RENEE: Well the title of the show is "24". What did you expect?

JACK: I suppose. Anyway what happened to CTU?

RENEE: CTU has been absorbed by terrorists.

JACK: That's ironic!

RENEE: C'mon let's go.

NARRATOR: So Jack and Renee got into an FBI car and lived happily ever after. THE END!

JACK: Erm…There's still over 23 hours left man. It's not the end.

NARRATOR: Yes it is because I quit!

JACK: No one quits on this show. They only do one thing…

NARRATOR: And what's that!

Jack fires two shots from his gun.

JACK: DIE!

The Narrator is now dead but just in case the writers want him back they haven't given him a silent clock.

9:08:12

09:13:42

**FBI D.C. HEADQUARTERS, 0913 HRS**

Jack and Renee enter the building. Jack looks around in his completely bemused state as he does whenever he sees a new set.

JACK: Is that ocean blue paint?

RENEE: Jack. Stop looking at the ceiling I've got something important to tell you.

Jack finally pays attention.

RENEE: Right. OK. So the QWERTY protection system which protects pretty much everything that's computerised in America has been breached.

JACK: And what's this QWERTY system about?

RENEE: If anyone types "QWERTY" into a Google search engine they immediately take over the US. Well except nukes cos we've already done that plotline like three times already.

JACK: Great security idiots!

RENEE: Hey if our security wasn't easy to breach this would be a pretty boring show.

JACK: So why do you need me? Is it because everyone else on this entire planet is incompetent except the great Jack Bauer?

RENEE: Well that and someone who you know is involved.

JACK: Ooh! Let me guess!

Jack pulls out his address book which is as fat as an encyclopaedia. He skips through some pages and randomly stops on one.

JACK: My daughter! Man that would be a shock!

RENEE: No.

JACK: Aunt Carol?

RENEE: No

JACK: Joseph Wald's dog back from the dead?!!

RENEE: For god sake Jack! It's Tony! Haven't you seen the trailer?

JACK: But Tony died. He got stabbed with a needle and everything.

RENEE: Yeah…Yeah…Yeah…We know but we're not gonna tell you how he survived at least until episode four. So basically you know him so you might be able to talk some sense into him.

JACK: Has he contacted you?

RENEE: Yeah. About every half hour he phones us up with some crazy demand so I expect another call in the next ten minutes. Then you can talk to him.

**WAREHOUSE, 0917 HRS**

It's another random terrorist base and another terrorist group plotting another terrorist scheme. One man has a beard. That means he's really evil!

BEARDED MAN: So when do we strike back?

A man is revealed from the shadows and (shock horror!) it's Tony Almeida.

TONY: Not yet. I'd like the FBI to quiver in fear beforehand. BWAHHAAAHAAA!

BEARDED MAN: That's some evil laugh you've got there Tony. Anyway I wanted to ask you something. A question that been on everyone's mind for months. What happened to your curly hair?

TONY: Oh you see having my head shaved makes me look more EVIL! BWAHAHAHAHA!

BEARDED MAN: My god! What have the writers done to you? Firstly they give you a dramatic shoddy death then try and patch it up by bringing you back completely out of character! 

TONY: Don't question the writers! They have a plan and so do I!

Tony looks around the room.

TONY: Hey why is it so dark in here?

Tony switches some lights on to reveal CTU Los Angeles despite the fact they're in D.C.

TONY: You see. We told you CTU had been absorbed by terrorists! BWAHAHAHAHA!

**WHITE HOUSE, 0920 HRS**

At the White House Chief of Staff to the President Ethan Kanin and Secretary of State Mr. Engelbert Schumacher are having a discussion.

KANIN: Mr Secretary. We have a problem.

SCHMACHER: Would it happen to be the imminent threat of cyber-terrorism?

KANIN: No.

SCHMACHER: Has Schwarzenegger decided to run for President and he is actually a Terminator who's out to kill the whole population!!!

KANIN: Actually sir. It's much worse than that. The writers of the show feel the need to once again run with the Presidency stuff despite the fact they squeezed any slight bit of originality out of it last season.

SCHMACHER: My god!

KANIN: But what's even worse than that is they haven't even brought back a decent character to make it bearable! No Tom Lennox, no Mike Novick, not even Wayne Palmer!

SCHMACHER: What are we going to do?

KANIN: Well I would suggest killing our new commander in chief but that's been tried and it failed. So I have a better idea. Why don't we put the President in mind numbingly boring situations so she won't be interesting enough to include in the show!

SCHMACHER: That's brilliant!

KANIN: Yes it is! All we have to do is to get the President to sleep or lie in bed all day with a chesty cough. And most importantly don't mention anything about a…

President Allison Taylor walks in.

KANIN:…threat.

PRESIDENT: Do you say something about a threat?

KANIN: No, no. Not at all. There's no threat. Nothing like that. So why don't you go and take a lie down.

PRESIDENT: But it's nine in the morning, shouldn't I be running the country now?

KANIN: Oh, don't worry about that. The country can practically run itself. Now isn't it a nice time to go on vacation. A long boring break in one of those countries where nothing at all can possibly happen of interest.

PRESIDENT: Why do you keep mentioning that? Is there something of interest happening that you don't want me to know about?

Ethan panics and jumps out a nearby window.

09:26:16

09:31:34

**FBI HEADQUARTERS, 0931 HRS**

Shockingly the phone rings.

RENEE: It's him!

JACK: Hey that was more like fifteen minutes!

Jack answers the phone.

TONY: Congratulations you have won a trip to Florida!

JACK: I have!

TONY: To collect your prize please answer the following security question. What is the password to access the NSA's restricted files?

JACK: Ooh! I know this! It's "bauerpower". All lower case.

TONY: Thanks Jack.

Tony hangs up the phone.

JACK: Hey about about my vacation! Dammit Almeida!

RENEE: Great going Jack. Now he's even more dangerous!

JACK: What Tony? Nah. He couldn't even hurt a fly.

**CTU TERRORIST BASE, 0934 HRS**

Back at the base Tony continuously tries to swat a fly but misses. Tony then tries to hit him with a book but still misses. Eventually the fly fights back and touches Tony who falls to the ground unconscious.

BEARDED MAN: My god! Tony! Tony!

Bearded man goes to feel a pulse. There is none.

BEARDED MAN: My god!...He's dead!

The clock beeps. This time it's a silent one.

09:36:54

09:41:33

**WRITERS BOARDROOM, TIME TBC**

PETE: What the hell do you think you're doing! First you kill off Tony in a ridiculous way! Then you bring him back from the dead only to kill him off in the first episode in an even more ridiculous way!!!

STEVE: I know! No one saw that coming! Ha ha!

PETE: Bring him back alive this instant!

STEVE: Do I have to?

PETE: Yes because we put Carlos Bernard on the main cast list this year and we're not paying him for 23 episodes he's not even in! We're not making the same mistake as season five!

STEVE: Oh alright then.

**CTU TERRORIST BASE, 0934 HRS**

This time Tony just lets the fly escape through a nearby air vent.

TONY: Phew. I live to fight another day! Well at least another hour!

09:36:54

09:42:33

**FBI HEADQUARTERS, 0942 HRS**

RANDOM FBI GUY: We found him!

Everyone comes running over to the random guy's desk. The man's just happy he gets a little attention before he is inevitably killed off.

RENEE: Alright Jack. According to this Tony made the call from erm…Washington?

**WRITERS BOARDROOM**

PETE: Washington? Don't you have any street names?

STEVE: Well due the fact I couldn't be asked. We've done absolutely no research for this season.

PETE: But we can't go around saying Washington. We need some street names.

STEVE: Tell you what. I'll Google Earth it!

Steve franticly types away at his keyboard.

**FBI HEADQUARTERS, 0943 HRS**

RENEE: OK. He's in Franklin Park.

JACK: I'm going with you.

RENEE: Fine but we're not stopping for ice cream.

JACK: You're not fair!

**CTU TERRORIST BASE, 0944 HRS**

Tony and his crony being to have a look around his CTU terrorist base. He goes into CTU Medical.

TONY: Aahhh…memories! Look that's where I died!

BEARDED MAN: I know Tony. You've told me a thousand times!

Tony goes over to the medical table where a body is lying. It's the dead corpse of Michelle Dessler.

TONY: Ahh…Michelle…finally after today I can bring you back to life and finally CTU Medical can actually do it's job for change and SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE! Jeez!

BEARDED MAN: So this is what today's all about? Resorting to terrorist activity to bring back your dead wife?

TONY: Oh no! We all know what today is about. ME! Everyone knows season six SUCKED and for only one reason - I WASN'T IN IT! This show can't survive without me. In fact I'm more important than the great Jack Bauer to this show and today I'm going to prove that!

BEARDED MAN: How?

TONY: By claiming what is rightfully mine!

09:46:13

09:52:01

**FRANKLIN PARK, 0952 HRS**

JACK: Damn! That was such a long ad break we could have stopped for ice cream!

RENEE: Shut up you! We have a job to do. Apparently he's in that building.

JACK: Then why are we waiting outside like pussies?

RENEE: We're waiting for a TAC team.

JACK: Stuff the TAC team! I AM INVINCIBLE!

Jack runs into the building.

RENEE: Good thing I got that life insurance policy out!

Renee runs into the building behind Jack.

Jack runs around the building like an idiot then suddenly a flurry of bullets head in his direction and all miss!

JACK: C'mon on then Mr. Terrorist! Shoot me! I dare you!

Suddenly Jack gets shot by not by the terrorist. Instead by Renee.

JACK: Oww! Cut it out!

RENEE: I thought you said you were invincible?

Jack and Renee give pursuit to the terrorist who is getting away. The terrorist manages to get about one hundred feet away from Jack yet Jack still manages to shoot him in the leg from there.

TERRORIST: ARGGH! 

RENEE: How did you…?

JACK: Bauer power bitch!

Jack and Renee go up to the hobbling terrorist.

JACK: Take a seat.

The terrorist hobbles onto a chair and Jack points a gun at him.

JACK: What do you want me to do? It's your call?

TERRORIST: I want you to let me go.

JACK: No I meant its Renee's call.

Renee thinks for second before replying.

RENEE: Torture him if you have to.

JACK: I'm gonna enjoy this.

TERRORIST: Wait a minute Jack. I thought you didn't enjoy torturing. What about all that stuff with Doyle last season?

JACK: DON'T EVER MENTION THAT SEASON AGAIN!!!!

TERRORIST: Alright but I thought you did it only cos you had to. Because it was your job.

JACK: Yeah but I'm not gonna just torture you. First we're gonna play Torture or No Torture!

TERRORIST: GOD NO!!

09:57….09:58….09:59…10:00


End file.
